If you’re looking to get straight to awesomely bad 80’s and 90’s celebrity workout videos, check out my Hard Stars YouTube page. Want some gifs? Check out the Hard Stars Tumblr. Thanks for stopping by.
Link to the Grantland article “Thank You, Jane Fonda: A Brief History of America’s Obsession With Workout Videos” by Carrie Battan
I was honored this week to have Bill Simmons not only include a video from my celebrity workout VHS archive on his Grantland website, but he seems to have given it his full attention, check out his detailed notes below.
Well, I watched it. And it’s glorious. Watch the first 30 seconds just for the horrible editing and the 1980s porn-movie parallels, which are both extensive, confusing and magnificent. I kept expecting to see Ginger Lynn and Peter North. No dice. From there, fast-forward to 2:24 for the important stuff. My favorite parts in order …
2:30 – Todd Christensen’s hair.
2:30 – Todd Christensen’s mustache.
2:40 – Todd Christensen trying to talk and move in rhythm.
3:01 – Check out Phil McConkey! Are we sure he never made an adult film? Are we sure this isn’t it?
3:14 – If CBS announced tomorrow, “We’ve just seen Phil Simms’s aerobics video from 1987, and we’ve decided to release him from his contract,” would you be shocked? Be honest.
3:29 – “Go Phil, you funky guy, you!” What?
3:40 – Comedy equals tragedy plus time, and comedy equals Phil Simms’s aerobics shorts multiplied by time.
3:50 – If everyone ripped their clothes off and started going at it right now, you would NOT be surprised.
4:01 – “Hey, Phil, it’s time for the cool-down, and I’m about to be abruptly and hilariously edited, I’m outta here.”
4:30 – I was alive in the 1980s and none of this seemed remotely strange. You have to believe me.
4:48 – The blonde who just hijacked the video definitely went to her hairstylist and asked for “The Sikma.”
5:02 – CBS just fired Phil Simms again.
5:09 – Please, watch Christensen in the background. I beg you. I double beg you.
5:14 – “I think you’ll find that you’ll look better, feel better and improve your athletic performance, whether it’s tennis, squash, skiing, wind surfing, or any other sport that wealthy white women do.”
5:24 – “ … Or, just chasing some pretty little girl around the room like my friend Eric here.” If it’s OK, I’m passing up all 507 jokes that would have gotten me fired there.
5:37 – CBS just fired Phil Simms for a third time.
Thank you, Internet. Thank you.