Counterforce (all you need to know)

Posted in Dead VCR, VHS, Workbook

After an unsuccessful attempt by the Intelligence Operations Agency to assassinate The Dictator (Robert Forster during his stint as go-to Hollywood Islamic extremist) and reinstate exiled democratic leader Kassar (Louis Jourdan Swamp Thing) to a nameless Middle Eastern country in Northern Africa, The Dictator swears vengeance on Kassar and his family sending death squads led by a Iron Maiden loving master-of-disguise (Hugo Stiglitz, who Quentin Tarantino went on to name one of his Inglorious Basterds characters after) and a Bollywood heartthrob (Kabir Bedi) to a quiet Mediterranean island to take care of business.

The IOA brings in George Kennedy, lured by a bag of Big Macs, and his elite team Counterforce to protect Kassar. The team is easily identified by their hats and Jiffy Lube jumpsuits with Counterforce patches plastered all over them. Counterforce consists of a Mexican named Harris (Jorge Rivero), Nash (Andrew Stevens), a spiritual guy who meditates before snapping necks, a cocky rookie referred to as “Fly Boy” (Kevin Bernhardt) who just wants to see some action, and Isaac Hayes who rhymes almost all of his lines.

We quickly find out that Counterforce sucks at protection as Kassar is shot up and subsequently attacked while in the hospital and then his wife and kid are kidnapped. They’re mainly interested in shooting bad guys who then fall over balconies. Tired of “getting hot lead up their asses,” Counterforce goes on the offensive. After squeezing in a light workout, they launch a plan to save Kassar’s family that involves free-climbing several hours up a sheer cliff face to infiltrate the terrorists’ fortress and invading a yacht guarded by tv-loving Greeks.

I believe I’ve done enough of this thinkin’, now it’s time to do some serious drinkin’.

Price: $.25 | Location: Salvation Army

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