Sportsballs

I was honored this week to have Bill Simmons not only include a video from my celebrity workout VHS archive on his Grantland website, but he seems to have given it his full attention, check out his detailed notes below.

Well, I watched it. And it’s glorious. Watch the first 30 seconds just for the horrible editing and the 1980s porn-movie parallels, which are both extensive, confusing and magnificent. I kept expecting to see Ginger Lynn and Peter North. No dice. From there, fast-forward to 2:24 for the important stuff. My favorite parts in order …

2:30 – Todd Christensen’s hair.

2:30 – Todd Christensen’s mustache.

2:40 – Todd Christensen trying to talk and move in rhythm.

3:01 – Check out Phil McConkey! Are we sure he never made an adult film? Are we sure this isn’t it?

3:14 – If CBS announced tomorrow, “We’ve just seen Phil Simms’s aerobics video from 1987, and we’ve decided to release him from his contract,” would you be shocked? Be honest.

3:29 – “Go Phil, you funky guy, you!” What?

3:40 – Comedy equals tragedy plus time, and comedy equals Phil Simms’s aerobics shorts multiplied by time.

3:50 – If everyone ripped their clothes off and started going at it right now, you would NOT be surprised.

4:01 – “Hey, Phil, it’s time for the cool-down, and I’m about to be abruptly and hilariously edited, I’m outta here.”

4:30 – I was alive in the 1980s and none of this seemed remotely strange. You have to believe me.

4:48 – The blonde who just hijacked the video definitely went to her hairstylist and asked for “The Sikma.”

5:02 – CBS just fired Phil Simms again.

5:09 – Please, watch Christensen in the background. I beg you. I double beg you.

5:14 – “I think you’ll find that you’ll look better, feel better and improve your athletic performance, whether it’s tennis, squash, skiing, wind surfing, or any other sport that wealthy white women do.”

5:24 – “ … Or, just chasing some pretty little girl around the room like my friend Eric here.” If it’s OK, I’m passing up all 507 jokes that would have gotten me fired there.

5:37 – CBS just fired Phil Simms for a third time.

Thank you, Internet. Thank you.

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